Relational Trauma: Moving on From Breakups

This is in response to a recent article in Psychology Today titled "Why it might not be so bad to think about an Ex" by Susan Whitbourne, PhD. In summary, the author demonstrated that thinking about an ex is unavoidable, according to recent studies, and suggested that it's important to incorporate your "experience with an ex" into your "self-concept" to move forward. I wish the author had provided more detail on this implication. To me, it's like being shown the menu of a feast without getting to experience and taste it. I wish the author had elaborated on how to achieve this integration.

It represents not just relational trauma for an individual, but also a disruption to one's sense of direction, daily routine, and identity. This has a profound impact on a person's life. In this blog, I aim to offer insights and answers that might not be found through Google or ChatGPT. To achieve this, I have included Google's AI response here, and I will provide a distinct perspective.

Google AI's Response:

"Moving on from someone you love requires allowing yourself to grieve, focusing on self-care, and building a new, fulfilling life. It's a process that involves acknowledging your feelings, creating healthy boundaries, and rediscovering your passions and interests. 

Here's a more detailed approach:

• Acknowledge and feel your emotions:

  Don't try to suppress sadness, anger, or other feelings. Allow yourself to cry, journal, or talk to someone about how you're feeling. 

• Prioritize self-care:

  Engage in activities that nurture your physical and mental well-being, such as exercise, healthy eating, and spending time in nature. 

• Limit or eliminate contact:

  Reduce or eliminate contact with the person you're moving on from, including on social media. 

• Focus on your passions:

  Reconnect with hobbies, interests, and activities that you enjoy and that make you feel good. 

• Seek support:

  Talk to trusted friends, family members, or a therapist about your feelings and experiences. 

• Practice forgiveness:

  Forgive yourself and the other person, even if forgiveness isn't immediate. 

• Embrace new experiences:

  Try new things, meet new people, and create new memories. 

• Be patient with yourself:

  Moving on takes time, and it's okay to have setbacks along the way. 

• Focus on the future:

  Instead of dwelling on the past, look forward to new possibilities and opportunities. 

• Consider therapy:

  If you're struggling to move on, a therapist can provide guidance and support. 

By taking these steps, you can create a new chapter in your life, filled with joy, self-love, and a sense of peace. "

My Response:

In addition to what google AI suggests, I'd encourage the following:

• Proper Closure. Whenever possible, ensure you have a proper closure with your ex. Particularly in the case of an amicable break-up, you might take the opportunity to explain what you needed that wasn't fulfilled in the relationship or to understand what needs of your ex. were unmet, all in a respectful manner. It's important to wish others well and acknowledge the positive impact they've had on your life.

  
  

• Purpose/Vision-Orientation. Unmet needs in a relationship often point to something deeper: a longing for meaning, connection, and alignment with our true path. While we may focus on communication struggles or intimacy challenges, in my clinical experience, relationships tend to falter when partners lack a shared vision or remain unaware of the deeper purpose that unites them. A thriving partnership isn't just about intimacy or shared fun activities—it’s about journeying together with a sense of direction and shared purpose during this time on earth.

  At times, couples are brought together to fulfill something meaningful, yet life’s burdens, fears, and unresolved wounds can block one or both partners from fully stepping into that shared calling. When that happens, separation or loss may actually mark a season of reflection, restoration, and re-orientation. Heartbreak, though painful, can become the catalyst for awakening to one’s deeper life purpose, which I believe that it is something we are invited to integrate into our evolving sense of self.

  
  

• Self-Repair. True healing after a relationship involves tending to the part of you that carries the pain of loss and heartbreak. Often, this part has experienced more than just one relational wound—it may be holding pain from past relationships, including early experiences within your family. In therapy, especially through Internal Family Systems (IFS), we explore and gently care for these inner parts. While some of this work can be done on your own, it's often most healing when supported by a compassionate and skilled therapist.

  
  

• Authenticity and Patience. Healing also calls for honesty with ourselves—acknowledging where we truly are in our journey. If you’re in a season of rest, restoration, and re-orientation, it’s not the time to rush into building something new romantically. Rebound relationships may seem like a way forward, but they often delay real healing and can mask the deeper work still needed. Giving yourself the space to process and grow creates the foundation for genuine transformation. I truly believe this energy will open the path to more healthy and aligned relationships in the future.

If you are struggling with a terrible heartbreak after a breakup, I am here to support you through this life journey.

Truly Move On Today